Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My wonderful Michael

“My love affair with (him) had a wonderful element of romance to it, which I will always cherish. But it was not an infatuation, and here’s how I can tell: because I did not demand that he become my Great Emancipator or my Source of All Life, nor did I immediately vanish into that man’s chest cavity like a twisted, unrecognizable, parasitical homonculus. During our long period of courtship, I remained intact within my own personality, and I allowed myself to meet (him) for who he was.” 

That Elizabet Gilbert quote from Committed sums it all up in a different kinda way .......It totally describes my meeting Michael....But It wasn't because I had such a strong sense of who I was but because of the wonderful man my sweet Michael was and still is .......He knew what I needed from the day we met and he did play the part of my Emancipator and did become the source of all life for me but just for a little while....

I met Michael shortly after getting out of a 28 year abusive marriage which had left me with no self confidence, brain washed into thinking I was nothing and scared to even think that someone would even consider liking much less loving me just for me .....

The first couple of years he held me in the middle of the night when the same recurring nightmare left me crying and in a state of panic .....He let me put my head on his chest and he would kiss my forehead until I realized it was just a dream and I was safe .....

He understood and never once gave up on me when I still felt that need to stay in contact with my abuser and seek his approval so I could somehow get his permission to be happy.....

He never once grew tired of answering my silly questions such as "Do you love me" Are you going to love me for always ...Why aren't you upset or me getting upset when he didn't because I didn't know any other way

He loved me unconditionally and always put my feelings first .....Now when we met he had baggage from his first marriage too and not all of the first few years were wonderful days....We went through things as we learned and tried to find our place in each others lives .....We both did things that would be so frowned on by others but it was what we needed to do to find our self and in turn settle into the life we wanted together .......

All these things never stopped Michael from sheltering me and helping me to let go of a life that had messed me up so badly...... Years into the marriage the nightmares still happen just not as often ...The panic attacks still happen but they are less then before .......I still have days where I feel like I am the only one on this planet and all the other people left because they didn't want to be around me.....I still ask the same questions and sometimes question the love Michael gives but he never gives up ....He came home yesterday evening and held me and kissed my forehead .....

Most days I am stronger and Michael now lets me fly and is so proud of the way I have become independent ...I know he is still there and he will catch me if I fall

I love this man more then life and I will always be so grateful for all that he did for me and all that he continues to do everyday.....When I don't have not one person I can count on I know I can count on him to be there and that's why I would do anything I could for him

I love and respect him and would never do anything that may cause him any harm or sadness ...He deserves so very much more but hes mine ...When I stood at the kitchen window and looked out at the ocean in the house that was my prison for so many years I would say God or whoever is out there please send someone to come and get me and I'm so thankful it was Michael...

He once told me this was my song forever


 

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