Monday, September 3, 2012

A crazy kinda life

I feel like I'm losing it today .....Thank the gods I see my doctor tomorrow because I need to get something to stop this terrible depression I find myself falling into......I start school next Monday and I have no desire to do it whatsoever and you know I am really in no way lazy or trying to get out of work ......I have worked harder this past ten years then anyone could ever imagine ...The work I did was psychically and mentally exhausting .......I just don't have any energy left I feel drained....My mind has so many thoughts and fears racing through it, It just leaves me drained .......

I want to work and get the hell out of this hateful concrete building that I hate so much ....I hate coming out of the bedroom in the morning to face another day at the mental institution of Whitby .....This place has more nuts then a Nutroll candy bar .......I think this is where you live when you have no fight left to want to have anything in life and only the lucky few make it out ........

I am so sick of being alone day after day ....Yesterday my sister invited me out to her place for supper but I just don't feel like like being around anyone ...So how do you make sense of that ....I guess I just hate being lonely because that is how I feel all the time and don't get me wrong I love my sister very much and I love being around her but I just can't ........

I am also very scared of this cancer thing ....I know I wasn't diagnosed with terminal cancer but just having to deal with the fact that my life is marked by this is making me crazy ....I have to live with the fear that what if one time there is another polyp and they don't get it all or what if they wait to long and it spreads to the walls of my colon.......
I hate the fact that I have no control whatsoever in this crap that has been thrown into my life

I know when I go on and on like this you all must think I am crazy but I'm not really, just a woman who has way to much thrown at her and unable to cope with it all .....I try so much not to meet my only personal contact (Michael) at the door each day and vent like a bipolar schizophrenic who threw her meds away but I need to talk and vent so much I just do it and then I spend the next hour saying I'm sorry because I know he doesn't need to be met at the door with the mad woman rants he just had to endure .....But I am lucky enough to be married to the world's greatest man and he tells me he will always be here for me to listen or help any way he can .........

Anyways I better stop this rant  now ....I am so thankful for this blog because its a place where I can be myself and not be strong....Its a place where I can fall apart and not be ridiculed or called a drama queen or a hypochondria fool.......

I'm sorry if this post seemed to never end but it's just me being me .........

Thank you all for allowing me a place to vent freely without the worries of someone feeling offended

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