Saturday, June 16, 2012

I think I know

Well I'm back and ready to update you on what has been happening in my life and sharing with you what direction I want to go with this blog......First the menopause is still hanging around but with the help of a little estrogen I'm hoping to ease off my terrifying trip to a place that is so scary and dark .....I have some wonderful news I have decided to really work on my book I have started ...I'm not sure if it will ever be published but I want that to happen so badly ...I started writing this book shortly after I had gained my freedom from my abusive 28yrs of marriage but could never settle down enough to really give it an honest try....I can only work on this book when I am feeling well enough to even think ....This menopause is kicking my ass big time and has turned me into someone on some days I don't even recognize...It's so hard  living each day in a defensive mode ....Things I could usually pass off as coming from a place that someone else needed to fix now cuts me to the core but instead of dealing with it because I can't be trusted to be kind or tactful  instead  maul it over and over and become angry and hateful....I don't know me anymore it seems someone else has taken over my body and mind ...Now believe me I was never Miss Congeniality but now it seems all my flaws have magnified x 1000 .....Then there are the hot flashes that can happen at anytime and has no time limit on how long they last...All I know they leave me close to tears with sweat burning my eyes, my hair soaked and wishing the earth would open up and swallow me ......Not sleeping has left me tired all the time and there is not one joint or nerve that is not hurting and so tender to the touch ...I can't stand being touched in any form because of the pain and the feelings of being smothered that is built up inside me .......There there is the crying ...I don't even know what to say about this it's like Glenn Beck and John Boehner had a child and lucky me it's me .......Just as I get mad about things I now cry over things that are so crazy ....I think my craziest one is when I had send a  text to  my youngest sister when we were going out and asked Jeans or Capri and she send a text  back saying I don't know, what do you think? ...
Well with that my lip started to tremble and little sobbing sounds were suddenly coming from deep inside my fragile heart ...Mike said whats up I was like do you see this he's like what, I said well I can't talk right now but my sister asked what I thought and with that the crying began ....I have never told anyone about this only my Michael knew until now but its just a small example of what I have cried about the last year and a half ....I was told Menopause can last from one to eight years I just beg the universe to spare me please...... I read somewhere there are 34 symptoms of Menopause and I swear to Jesus I have had each one of them at least twice since this has started



So here I am someone already living with PTSD thanks to my first marriage and now this I have to say the anger is the worst I have to deal with, I was never a happy go person with no anger issues but now instead of relishing in my new quietness that I enjoyed so much I have replaced it with outburst of anger that no one should have to deal with ....This is where I stop and tell you about the wonderful quiet peaceful man I am lucky enough to have in my life, His name is Michael and it's Hebrew meaning is Gift from God and believe me if there is a God Michael is certainly my gift from him ,He is everything I could ever need in life well besides estrogen :) and he is the one that will steer me back to my quiet shore when this is done and I look forward to that and I plead daily to anyone that will listen God? Universe? Cupid? Tooth Fairy I don't care just please don't let me scare him off let him always see a glimmer of the lady he fell in love with 11 yrs ago ..........Soooooo I have said all that to let you know I want my blog just to be about my journey through this short life and maybe just maybe we can help each other, laugh a little and sometimes grab hold together for a ride of a lifetime


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